Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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