No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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