she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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