im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
