Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
