I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
