i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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