a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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