They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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