Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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