I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
