Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
