i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
