god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
