I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
