when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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