90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize