During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
