Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
