Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
