dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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