I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
