Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
