how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
