I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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