you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
