If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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