Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
