Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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