Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
