she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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