you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
