When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
