Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
