She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
