I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
