I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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