He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
