you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
