don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
