not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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