Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
