i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
