we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
