girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
