soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
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He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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