Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
