If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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