i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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