when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
