Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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