Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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