I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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