yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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