You surviving the open bar?
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I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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