I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
