Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
