I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
