We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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