I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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