why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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